i want the now

i press away the tears and try to be pragmatic

i know you know

why i have to say out loud

all the reasons why your way is better

i’m convincing me to be patient

i’m convincing me that you do all you do so that we can be

but i want the now

i want it to be as promising as i know it always has been

i want that quiet time where i think 

there’s more time to just be

where i feel at peace with you by my side

and i don’t have to say those words of goodbye too soon

because i know they will be there

waiting to see me fall out of place

i’m trying (honestly i am)

i’m trying

i know you secretly think i’m not

i know you quietly think to yourself

no not hard enough

does she really want it bad enough

but I want to tell you

when you’ve been stuck in trying

long enough

you know you didn’t stop

you know you don’t want it any less

but you don’t know if it’s working

you don’t know if you’re making the same mistakes

and no one is ever going to tell you

no one is ever going to see you trying

and yet you can’t be what you are without keeping on 

and hoping someday it will matter…

my day too…

i looked at her

so lost in the blurry

so caught up in flurry

and i thought

if i did what you did

it would not make you less relevant

it would not make you less important

it would not make you less you

yet here i am struggling to get a chance

you’ve had

and eager so very eager

to let my day too…

A little less than last.

My indignant fears
Wreck havoc
Leaving doubt no promised benefit.

Holding instincts captive
Isolated from common sense.

The poison holds
Long after the damage done…
And that is when conscience
Speaks up with the disapproving superiority.

When the heart sighs with heavy regret.

And i mumble numbly:
Where were you Love to blind me then?
To stop my embittered words
Glistening sharp in all its bloodlust.
To halt my irate accusations
From hurting who we adore?
Who we now behold
And perchance loving us back
A little less…
a little less than last.

The only way

It is the ONLY way!

You declare
Your conviction
Daring me to challenge
You hold your revelation
newly formed
So young, so resplendent in its promise
stubbornly wrought
Blind to the stains
That leech into the knowledge sphere
There is no room for doubt:

‘There is no safe, sure way to
This is the only way
The only way…’

I see it, the want
I see it, its seemly answers
I see it, sulking
I see it, denied
I see it, lost
I see it, unwanted
I see it, unsought
I see it, empty
Waiting for its time
Uncaring whether it will ever come
Where it had no means to ever go…

Her way

Embers whisked into a slow fury
From just the way you look her way
Every candied word a bitter pill
Every too wide smile a taunt
Every glance, another minute chance
That I fail…
That I fade into the frame
Anger, fear, guilt, agony, shame
All want to lay their searing
delirious blame
Every accusation
to be named.