What darkness must cross our mind when we are wished learning that we did not ask for….
When we are told everything happens for a reason.
And that reasons unknown will one day reveal.
What I feel we reason to keep our sanity from fleeing…
Reasons we learn to see to quiet the pain that keeps wailing that this is not fair
Why do we lose those we come to love so dear?
I stand before you empty but willing to give what you have lost.
I do not see the meaning in holding fast to what i will not be.
I rather see that joy you have lost, regained.
I pray that you and your desires are destined to meet.
I pray that your sorrow though deep leaves you with healed scars and not raw wounds.
I pray that you are not blind to the love that surrounds you.
And that you reach out when you need to.
I pray that your struggles now are only a precursor to unbelievable joy.
I will pray that for you until it becomes Truth.
Some people fervently convince you
From the get go,
That they’ll be there,
Forever & always.
And though you find it incredulous,
The incredulity eventually wears away…
And you find yourself believing.
And yet the truth lies within those who are there to hold you when you find out what was spoken were mere words.
Sometimes i fear i simply should not be like me…
There’s something i do in being me
That just seems to mean
This person is kind, caring, loving, funny, intelligent, pretty but still not worthy.
Somehow not ever worthy enough.
So I’ve decided to be me.
And realize I’m worthy enough for me and those who care to see it.
Remind me though, when the world makes me forget.
Here i go again
There is no way
But forward.
There is no path that is not cyclic
It’s just too far to see the whole way
And when you do finally see it circle around
It will be too late.
You told me today you needed me now
But only in parts
And only after realizing others could not be me.
They will never be me…
They will never see you as i did
Or make you feel as special
But they may settle for what i never could.
Today you me granted a wish
One i never wished for
But still needed
To finally see things as they are.
I saw you without grace
The gloss, the glory, the praise…
And i realised it was all my doing…
Me who believed in you when you didn’t.
But also me who picked the pieces of myself when you let go…
You showed me feelings
I never had before
They were of softness and kindness
Of what i had only heard from others
But they seeped into my parched skin like silky, nourishing lotion.
And i don’t know even how to remove it all
It’s gotten to my core that it would be like sloughing off my own skin.
But you’re not here with me…
You made the choice for me.
So how do i expect more
When i had so much in so little time
But want nothing but this anymore?
I await what i am worthy of
I have already done my time
With less and the lesser
The weak, the cruel, the manipulators
And so
Even though finding someone good and worthy of me remains fustrating, overwhelming and many many times unfailingly disheartening…
I guess all i can do is try until i don’t want to or die knowing i tried all i could.
You owe me big.
And as i see images of those who gather inspite of the warnings, the case counts, the deaths…i hope that life does not teach them wiseness through consequences… But perhaps it should.
To everyone resisting, you are not alone… There are many of us yearning for a better time…in spite of those who don’t care for you as much as you care for them…
Until that time, i admire your strength and hope that you and the people you cannot see today are safe in spite of the actions of others. The feeling of holding them alive and well will be worth all the wait.
Merry Christmas.
