When she was uncertain
She raged, she plotted, she cursed
And when she finally found out
She folded.
Things went back to the way they were.
Betrayal trying to justify his sleaziness and righteousness too exhausted to care.
And so he wins… And so he wins again.
And sometimes when I get too aware you lull me with soft and gentle mundanity..all the more to remain all feared… You await the moment I finally begin yet beyond all stings and doubts to believe again…
Because
Nothing less will satisfy your hunger for the jaded than when they fretfully forget their doom… only to be reminded in a moment of unbelievable cruel despair.
I have come to understand my doom.
In one fell swoop all hopes turn to dust.
I am better now in letting in settle,
Brushing it off like built up dust.
Sweeping it aside once I see its true colours.
It erodes away at hope and helps me build mountains of cynicism instead.
Today i hummed a tune and couldn’t resist smiling while I drove.
And all the thoughts that told me that soon enough I’ll be crying…
I drowned out by singing even louder.
Yes I may cry again and yes I may not feel like smiling yet again…
But that day is not today.
Today I feel like smiling.
I’m coming to terms with impermanence.
The fleeing moments of joy and secret smiles I will thoroughly enjoy.
Even though i know they will disappear just as quickly as I exhale in relief.
I will find happiness in the little you give me even as I dismay at its evanescence.
This is all I seem to receive and so I must relish what moments of bliss and peace I’m allotted.
I will forever fall for your ruses of surety… But I will learn to cherish them more.
The best way to learn how not to settle.. Is to settle…and learn the hard way how it is to keep yourself imprisoned and turning away the voices you trust.
Keeping your unhappiness a secret from those who love you.
Feeling not heard, not respected, not loved.
Feeling like you’ve lost control of your mind, your confidence, your essence.
That is the way i learned anyhow.
And that may very well be the only way to learn or it may be the only way i learned not to want to ever make that mistake again.
Not having things fall into place
Is no reason to settle.
Not getting what you deserve
Is no reason to settle.
Feeling like you’re the only one
Is no reason to settle.
Wanting to start
Is no reason to settle.
There is never a good reason to settle.
What darkness must cross our mind when we are wished learning that we did not ask for….
When we are told everything happens for a reason.
And that reasons unknown will one day reveal.
What I feel we reason to keep our sanity from fleeing…
Reasons we learn to see to quiet the pain that keeps wailing that this is not fair
Why do we lose those we come to love so dear?
I stand before you empty but willing to give what you have lost.
I do not see the meaning in holding fast to what i will not be.
I rather see that joy you have lost, regained.
I pray that you and your desires are destined to meet.
I pray that your sorrow though deep leaves you with healed scars and not raw wounds.
I pray that you are not blind to the love that surrounds you.
And that you reach out when you need to.
I pray that your struggles now are only a precursor to unbelievable joy.
I will pray that for you until it becomes Truth.
Some people fervently convince you
From the get go,
That they’ll be there,
Forever & always.
And though you find it incredulous,
The incredulity eventually wears away…
And you find yourself believing.
And yet the truth lies within those who are there to hold you when you find out what was spoken were mere words.
