I know her and sense all the reasons why she wants to wander… her frustrations, her isolation, her stifled soul and the deafening inner voices that torment her upon the minute silence.
But also maybe because she’s so afar and I soften at her distant actions…I sleep fitfully knowing she’s perhaps very contagious and nonetheless it seems fair to her that infected her must carry it to others when only conscience lies meekly in her path.
Why are those who claim sensitivity
Unaware of their own thorny barbs?
Mere paper cuts and pen knife slips
Nevertheless i bleed internally.
Spring’s Hearld”
Spring’s feathered herald
pecks furtively at the frozen’d ground
urging worms far nestled below
who refuse to venture out
and greet the bitter rain.
His red-dulled breast
heavy-drenched
with water disguised as ice.
II
She found last night
among the howling winds
that her chickling
had become an egg once more
curled into a downy, frail ball
yet no more warm
now more silent than ever.
III
Two quivering robins
huddle over their branch-bare nest
their warbles lost in the pelting hail
not a peep escapes from their hatchlings
All the potential
But reality needs to have his way.
With all the roses
There must be thorns.
With all the sufferings
There must also be doubt.
And that voice
That says there’s no rest for the wicked
Doesn’t leave you alone without saying:
But there’s no peace for the good either.
When she was uncertain
She raged, she plotted, she cursed
And when she finally found out
She folded.
Things went back to the way they were.
Betrayal trying to justify his sleaziness and righteousness too exhausted to care.
And so he wins… And so he wins again.
And sometimes when I get too aware you lull me with soft and gentle mundanity..all the more to remain all feared… You await the moment I finally begin yet beyond all stings and doubts to believe again…
Because
Nothing less will satisfy your hunger for the jaded than when they fretfully forget their doom… only to be reminded in a moment of unbelievable cruel despair.
I have come to understand my doom.
In one fell swoop all hopes turn to dust.
I am better now in letting in settle,
Brushing it off like built up dust.
Sweeping it aside once I see its true colours.
It erodes away at hope and helps me build mountains of cynicism instead.
Today i hummed a tune and couldn’t resist smiling while I drove.
And all the thoughts that told me that soon enough I’ll be crying…
I drowned out by singing even louder.
Yes I may cry again and yes I may not feel like smiling yet again…
But that day is not today.
Today I feel like smiling.
I’m coming to terms with impermanence.
The fleeing moments of joy and secret smiles I will thoroughly enjoy.
Even though i know they will disappear just as quickly as I exhale in relief.
I will find happiness in the little you give me even as I dismay at its evanescence.
This is all I seem to receive and so I must relish what moments of bliss and peace I’m allotted.
I will forever fall for your ruses of surety… But I will learn to cherish them more.
The best way to learn how not to settle.. Is to settle…and learn the hard way how it is to keep yourself imprisoned and turning away the voices you trust.
Keeping your unhappiness a secret from those who love you.
Feeling not heard, not respected, not loved.
Feeling like you’ve lost control of your mind, your confidence, your essence.
That is the way i learned anyhow.
And that may very well be the only way to learn or it may be the only way i learned not to want to ever make that mistake again.
intotheindigo 