Sometimes i fear i simply should not be like me…
There’s something i do in being me
That just seems to mean
This person is kind, caring, loving, funny, intelligent, pretty but still not worthy.
Somehow not ever worthy enough.
So I’ve decided to be me.
And realize I’m worthy enough for me and those who care to see it.
Remind me though, when the world makes me forget.
Here i go again
There is no way
But forward.
There is no path that is not cyclic
It’s just too far to see the whole way
And when you do finally see it circle around
It will be too late.
You told me today you needed me now
But only in parts
And only after realizing others could not be me.
They will never be me…
They will never see you as i did
Or make you feel as special
But they may settle for what i never could.
Today you me granted a wish
One i never wished for
But still needed
To finally see things as they are.
I saw you without grace
The gloss, the glory, the praise…
And i realised it was all my doing…
Me who believed in you when you didn’t.
But also me who picked the pieces of myself when you let go…
You showed me feelings
I never had before
They were of softness and kindness
Of what i had only heard from others
But they seeped into my parched skin like silky, nourishing lotion.
And i don’t know even how to remove it all
It’s gotten to my core that it would be like sloughing off my own skin.
But you’re not here with me…
You made the choice for me.
So how do i expect more
When i had so much in so little time
But want nothing but this anymore?
I await what i am worthy of
I have already done my time
With less and the lesser
The weak, the cruel, the manipulators
And so
Even though finding someone good and worthy of me remains fustrating, overwhelming and many many times unfailingly disheartening…
I guess all i can do is try until i don’t want to or die knowing i tried all i could.
You owe me big.
And as i see images of those who gather inspite of the warnings, the case counts, the deaths…i hope that life does not teach them wiseness through consequences… But perhaps it should.
To everyone resisting, you are not alone… There are many of us yearning for a better time…in spite of those who don’t care for you as much as you care for them…
Until that time, i admire your strength and hope that you and the people you cannot see today are safe in spite of the actions of others. The feeling of holding them alive and well will be worth all the wait.
Merry Christmas.
Dear woman,
Why you willing to make do with less than you deserve? Why are glimpses of reassuring words more believed than actions that leave you nowhere?
Yes we have seen others do it, they have raised us and loved us but they have also made us believe that we too in all our good, grace and worthiness need to live with less because we cannot expect better…
Why must we carry the burden of being worthy of more in a world of less…?
It’s not you really
It was my first rendezvous
With emotion
With potential
I have seen desire
I have felt wanted in the heat of the moment
As the prize that awaits to be taken
I have seen it spark and dull as soon as it is satitated
But you were lost… And let me find myself in you…
It was your softest touches
That made me ache for your warmth
But you too could only be fleeting…
You who saw something real and ran back to your demons
Their harm was more familiar than my hope.
I feel cheated… This will never be what i deserve.
It will never be what i am due.
I don’t want to be an outlier.
I want to be the cliche that brings such relief.
To all optimists and well-wishers
I too want to believe their words
I too want to bury my wariness
Before it consumes me whole
Before it hardens what beats.
I left before he needed to push away my hand clasping his tightly…
Knowing all the while that he could forget all that i would always remember…
Knowing i will regret not seeing through what he easily leaves behind…
I look back but see my shadow lingering…
Waiting for a chance that will never come.
