I feel like i lost what i used to be…
My easy optimism
finding joy in all things
The sunrise, the clouds, the flowers, the warmth, the music
Sharing a smile with a passer-by
Seeing the love within a couple, a family, that indelible joy of a child
That golden warm feeling of gratefulness
Being happy because it’s so necessary
And now….
I feel like i lost what i used to be…
a leaden finger presses down
unaligning the unsuspecting spine
aquatic undulations grow quiet
nerves fray and twitch
dull ache pulsates
limbs a-dragging
water-logged
swollen
compressed, congealed
unconfined, uncontained
pressing all its fatted sides against
that chronic dam of
untapped agony:
pain
I have been found out…
pathetic there i stand too defeated to even try to remember
how upright i stood.
How every one of your innocent encouragements were in vain
nothing was to match my ego
revelling in all its undeserved glory.
The extent of your pity stings me, needles me, rips me apart
how cruel that this pain is not rescuingly fatal
it stays so that i must endure your forced praise.
Every bit of expectation and attention
that which let me gloat
and simper in all smugness
now causes to wrench slowly the very heart that burst with pride.
Your eyes too deep they are
they see too much in me…
i cannot stand how they enter and see
yet fail to acknowledge
but acknowledged it stays
within the very wavering of your glance
The very silence that falls when you ask and i stay soundless
soundless so that you may hear the screams of humiliation that rack me within
as you continue to wipe away tears that i cannot touch
let its vain salt burn the very face that is unable to utter Truth.
intotheindigo 