Society says I only have so much time
Biology sagely agrees
But Life
And Will
And Experience
They keep asking me to wait
For better.
And I?
I seesaw between hope and despair
I venture and retreat
I try and falter
And still try
I will do what i can
Until i can’t no more.
Dear God
Promise in the next life
You will have more mercy on my heart…
You will not let it be so fragile
You will not let it enjoy so many facets of love
(For this only encourages it so)
You will let it know how one can love
my heart back
Truly, fully, unabashedly
As it does now…
That you must let me have at last
In my next life…
You will not let it give and give and give
Only to falter, implore and yearn
And yet
Somehow wish to seek once more…
Why does my heart hold out so much hope?
Why does it want what it may only get
in the next life?
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A much appreciated response from asoulwalker, thought it should be read and not hidden in the comments.
A response by asoulwalker:
Dear God,
You know my hope is weak
You know my heart is feeble
Why do you give me so much freedom?
You know the world is cruel,
And my heart wants to love…
Please let it be heard.
– a soul walker
i feel the edge threatening to crumble off
asking what will i do when my feet touch air?
will i reach for land or will i leap?
i feel my being breaking apart inside
asking will i give up or harden?
will i reach up or will i fall down?
i feel my heart letting go
asking will i trust it again
or will i just let it rot and bloat?
will i let it soar again or pin it to its place?
gather the visions, that have not come true
do not let them scatter
they will only sneak in later
ready to inflate and flatter
what is not possible.
gather the dreams, all broken and torn
do not let them fly
they will only land later
and once again pry.
gather the lies, all found and spoken
do not let even one survive
they will only bleed in later
ready to further deprive.
gather all the loves forsaken
do not let them stay
they will only linger and linger
waiting to betray.
afloat
if for a minute
a moment
in this lifetime
grateful…no
no not yet
no now just
plainly resentful
that again
i am aground
flung into the glaring spotlight
a
grudging
contestant
stuck losing
badly
in this
waiting
game
there is something so very unsettling
about wanting when trying
because when wanting
without trying
there is that vast and possibility filled field-dream
that would otherwise be
a lonely abyss
I fail in fear of
what is to come
I stay in fear of
what is far
I dream in fear of
what is real
I sigh in fear of
what may become solitude
I reach in fear of
what will be left
I have in fear
more destiny
than in
happiness
their depthless understanding and efforts,
to the follies and foolishness,
that i have met.
their ever-reaching dreams,
that reach my heart
tainted thine typed out tryings
verbage together litter a page
what more is there but lesser whats
riffled through and written out
as rejected
over confidence over
rhythm somewhere lost
devices to lie have proven true in their bitter lies
meaning yet means to change
to whatever it meant to matter
i’m stuck
and don’t mind being so
i’m too afraid to move forward
and too afraid to stay behind
secretly i sigh that delays made, are out of my hands
but miserable that i will be left back.
the world’s most preciously deemed
i waste without outward regret
time and money galore
has gone and i bemoan the reason to need more
silently i must remain as in of me
meaninglessly dreading the decay
that seems only to point towards ruthless consequences
making my senses acute and numb and to sense no more
yet more aware am i of this urgent whisper of idle
as i am at the quickening and ever-knocking of my heart
and the foolish inability to do nothing more than to move forward
and remain tormentedly stuck…
intotheindigo 