Be Merciful…I beg

Why do you so cruelly

Keep away

What you planted in my heart

So very long ago?

You made me hopeful,

You made me deserving,

You made me want.

But you found some

Deep and constant satisfaction

In breaking me apart.

Why do you show me how easily

You give to others.

How fully, abundant and beautiful

You allow their Love to be.

Every yearning part of me

Prays that you will not

Find so much joy

In my misery,

Find so much rapture

In my lonliness,

Find so much glee

In my sorrow,

Find so much mirth

In my pain.

Why do you deprive me?

I know what we are

I know what we are:

We will always be

Two lonely souls

That touch and go.

Touch and go.

Never truly intertwined

Never really wanting to be aligned.

My heart aches already

At our inevitable departing.

I know what we are:

We were never meant to be.

Beyond all that we share

All that we reveal and bare

We were never meant to be.

Beyond all the wary yearnings

Beyond all the falsely perceived signs

We were never meant to be

We were never meant to be.

Keepsake Heart

Can you not reveal your heart to me?

Must I delve in there myself?

I wish I could tell you…
I’m set to run,

I’ll cut off and run,

And not look back.

I’ll look obsessively over my backup plans

I always have.

I’ll recite the pros and cons,

Have a proactive case of sour grapes,

I don’t know any other way…

To keep my heart

from being taken

Only to have it handed back

Emptier than it was before.

Convinced

I always think

I miss the hugs

I miss the closeness

The kisses

The lazy slow caresses

The clumsy intertwinings

But

I don’t miss it enough

To let you anywhere near me ever again.

If anything… You have convinced me through all your myriad of miserable ways

That I may have no one ever again

But I’ll be damned if I settle for you or worse.

Betwixt

Betwixt the troubles

That came in twos

Each desirable in different ways.

One no more desirable than the other.

Each with their own admirable complexities…

Each with their own questionable

perplexities…

One that gnaws and gnaws

Until a soft spot found.

The other nuzzles quickly

Without a sound.

Each perfect to themselves.

But which will my fickle, wounded heart choose?

Which will choose me in return as I am?

Don’t wait

I waited

Until your reasons sounded like excuses

I waited

With new hope for us and our lives

I waited

For you to cross your hurdles until they became the ones you created

I waited

Unwaveringly suffering from how i was the one impeding us

I waited

Wholeheartedly defending you, protecting you from all my concerns

I waited

Enclosing myself in anxiety, hiding away from reality, my instincts, my gut all screaming something’s wrong

I waited

Never letting anyone in so they wouldn’t know what we were going through because i thought you were fragile

I waited through it all

And got nothing in return

I waited until

I felt like the world was against us

But then admitted to myself

That it was only you against us.

And now I’m here.

Full of regret for being

so blind,

so insecure,

so naive,

so believing,

so in denial,

But a tiny part of me is still waiting

For you to want to prove I’m wrong

So how f***ed is that?

Take a piece

It’s so soft…so ripe…so ready….all open

May I pluck it?
Keep it stashed away?

Promise to give you mine
But only if i can wrench yours out

Will it squirm to leave?

Will it writhe in pain?
Will you shush its cries?
Will you deny its scars
The ones it can’t seem to hide so well?

You’ve been hurt, I can see it.
And yet… There you hold it in your hands…
It’s slid from your sleeve and into your tear stained palms…

You hold it out so bravely… With abandon…. With perhaps a stupid stupid naivete…stupid.

Its turned away so i can’t quite see that it’s still bleeding…. That a part of it is still waiting….pulsating
I had no intention of ever staying.

will i?

i feel the edge threatening to crumble off

asking what will i do when my feet touch air?

will i reach for land or will i leap?

i feel my being breaking apart inside

asking will i give up or harden?

will i reach up or will i fall down?

i feel my heart letting go

asking will i trust it again

or will i just let it rot and bloat?

will i let it soar again or pin it to its place?

the past has passed

i know you search me with your eyes

and wonder why my love waxes and wanes

why i accept your love with a haunted wounded wavering

…the past has passed and the scars have all but healed…

…the past has passed and its lessons learned…

…the past has passed and all those who did not stay are not missed…

and yet i and my soul remain in the clutches of its grasp….