Convinced

I always think

I miss the hugs

I miss the closeness

The kisses

The lazy slow caresses

The clumsy intertwinings

But

I don’t miss it enough

To let you anywhere near me ever again.

If anything… You have convinced me through all your myriad of miserable ways

That I may have no one ever again

But I’ll be damned if I settle for you or worse.

Drained but not drowned

Why do your wrong doings

Drain me so?

I’ve done nothing but trust you…

Now I must shelter myself against all the flailing thoughts of ifs

Cut down all the sprigs of desperation

Unearth every weed of bitterness

And continue to wonder

When did I ever ask to be stronger?

will i?

i feel the edge threatening to crumble off

asking what will i do when my feet touch air?

will i reach for land or will i leap?

i feel my being breaking apart inside

asking will i give up or harden?

will i reach up or will i fall down?

i feel my heart letting go

asking will i trust it again

or will i just let it rot and bloat?

will i let it soar again or pin it to its place?

i let go…

i let go

why must you still not do so?

i let go with so much

what is it for you with nothing

to leave me be…

why is it i cannot close my eyes and be without you

but you have cut me off

and still bind me to your will.

as i stare searching reliving ever without release

you live and leave me

staring ever after you.

is this always to be?

i reach and fall

you need not reach

and have no way to fall.

you care not knowing i can not but care

yet i let it go

i let it all go

so to not let go

of

you…