I always think
I miss the hugs
I miss the closeness
The kisses
The lazy slow caresses
The clumsy intertwinings
But
I don’t miss it enough
To let you anywhere near me ever again.
If anything… You have convinced me through all your myriad of miserable ways
That I may have no one ever again
But I’ll be damned if I settle for you or worse.
Why do your wrong doings
Drain me so?
I’ve done nothing but trust you…
Now I must shelter myself against all the flailing thoughts of ifs
Cut down all the sprigs of desperation
Unearth every weed of bitterness
And continue to wonder
When did I ever ask to be stronger?
I think of what should have been
Instead of what it is now
And realize what should have been
Never would have happened
anyways.
My path meandered and now it
finally moves forward,
With a map that no longer has false
markings.
I guess I’ll
draw them in as they appear…
i feel the edge threatening to crumble off
asking what will i do when my feet touch air?
will i reach for land or will i leap?
i feel my being breaking apart inside
asking will i give up or harden?
will i reach up or will i fall down?
i feel my heart letting go
asking will i trust it again
or will i just let it rot and bloat?
will i let it soar again or pin it to its place?
i let go
why must you still not do so?
i let go with so much
what is it for you with nothing
to leave me be…
why is it i cannot close my eyes and be without you
but you have cut me off
and still bind me to your will.
as i stare searching reliving ever without release
you live and leave me
staring ever after you.
is this always to be?
i reach and fall
you need not reach
and have no way to fall.
you care not knowing i can not but care
yet i let it go
i let it all go
so to not let go
of
you…
intotheindigo 