Withhold

Your words reach deep inside me

Yet your coy musings

Warn me:

I’m honest you say

I’m blunt and I’m clear.

You will be hurt.

You will walk away:

But maybe limping

Maybe even crawling.

There will be piece of you

I will withhold.

It will be mine to keep.

It will be mine to reap.

Pain

When you’re in pain

It’s hard not to think of an end

It’s hard not to think of an off

But to do so is human

Yet seeing it through is not a really a fair choice

So much fear, so much doubt, so much so to think of just getting an out..

If it were… though… how many of us would stay the course?

How many of us stay to see a little more with a little less each time?

Untitled i

You steep yourself in joy

The moments warmly melt together

Until your smile clicks into automode

And you realize there’s only so much of another’s joy you can handle when you are hurting inside.

Their joy gushes forth and

envelopes your willing heart

but it makes the sinkhole larger…

It makes the hole gnaw away faster

making its gaping maw even larger

you helplessly taste the bitter tinge of woe mix with the sweetness of the time

Your conscience flails in the viscose goo of regret…

And you steel yourself against the tears that prick you with insistence

Because it horrifies you that

you could ever besmirch their rightful joy.

Juxtaposition II

A shared birthday:

She walks into his embrace, gazing into his eyes. She can’t help but glow.

He sings “Happy Birthday” softly to her.

He asks “Do you want a cake?”

She looks at him: “Hmmm…I want something sweeter…”

They come out of their room,

Happily spent.

She takes out a box of indian sweets

All his favorites she hopes…

She presses the candle softly into a gulab jamun in the middle.

“Let’s celebrate both our birthdays!” he enthuses.

He pulls her into his lap, she puts her arms around him,

They sing to each other in boxers and lingerie.

she sings softly, her lips lightly grazing the side of his head with every word. They kiss before they blow out the candle together.

“What did you wish for?”

“You’re my wish come true” she says laughing gaily.

I wish we could do this ever year…

A much later birthday (hers):

They stand over the stove

Looking at a cake slice in a box.

“Why don’t we sit down?”

“Nah, let’s have the cake?”

He gets forks.

“Aren’t you going to sing for me, it is my birthday..?”

“Really?…uh yeah ok…”

“Happybirthdaytoyou. Happybirthdaytoyoudear…”

He sticks his fork into the cake slice and shoves it in his mouth. He goes for a second, intent on the cake.

“It’s good!”

She stands there looking at him.

She swallows her disappointment… She wishes it wouldn’t feel so intense each time she has to do it….

You would think by now i would know better.

The cake tastes pasty in her mouth.

Don’t wait

I waited

Until your reasons sounded like excuses

I waited

With new hope for us and our lives

I waited

For you to cross your hurdles until they became the ones you created

I waited

Unwaveringly suffering from how i was the one impeding us

I waited

Wholeheartedly defending you, protecting you from all my concerns

I waited

Enclosing myself in anxiety, hiding away from reality, my instincts, my gut all screaming something’s wrong

I waited

Never letting anyone in so they wouldn’t know what we were going through because i thought you were fragile

I waited through it all

And got nothing in return

I waited until

I felt like the world was against us

But then admitted to myself

That it was only you against us.

And now I’m here.

Full of regret for being

so blind,

so insecure,

so naive,

so believing,

so in denial,

But a tiny part of me is still waiting

For you to want to prove I’m wrong

So how f***ed is that?

Lost

I feel like i lost what i used to be…

My easy optimism
finding joy in all things

The sunrise, the clouds, the flowers, the warmth, the music

Sharing a smile with a passer-by

Seeing the love within a couple, a family, that indelible joy of a child

That golden warm feeling of gratefulness

Being happy because it’s so necessary

And now….

I feel like i lost what i used to be…

Is that all?

Breathlessly he says

“I love you
your first and true love…”

It sounds as good as it does to reply… Fit to burst… gushing, gaping.

“I miss you”

He says… slurred with desire.

“You’re only mine
Only ever mine…
Mine and mine alone.”

Melt and succumb, crumble and relent.

“A life together, I’ll say : it’s all mom’s doing I’m just your poor Dad, with you through everything…”

And those dreams form, built precariously high, brightly imbued with deceitful potential.

“How could you? I love you. Remember???”

Is that all he ever does

Just says he will, he can’t, he would?

I peer at her

Peer through her

The glassy eyes stare back at me…

Is that all it takes…just words?

I stare back at her

“What’s it to you?”

I ask.

She stares back

And mouths the words back.

Solace

Why is solace so 
singularly sad
yet uplifting 
in its hushed solitude?

is it not then
we hear the lilting
melodies of our hearts? 

Why is silence
sought out
when the wind
hushes
for no one

and whispers
no names but
those we keep
secret and close
to our heart of hearts?

How could it be more tender
in any other way?

Why would I want
a pain loved so truly
by solemness
shared in any other way?

unforgiven

i spoke the words

i knew would cut deep

and though she bared her teeth

to hide the hurt 

i saw her tired eyes dilate

and i knew i had wounded something

that she would lock away

and look at again 

and let it harden

herself somehow

so that when she cut

i would not find the heart to heal

my anger spent

and regrets blurted

two clammy hands blotting her tears away

she gives away no sign of forgiving

she only mouths the words

while her eyes cloud over