Why is solace so
in its hushed solitude?
is it not then
we hear the lilting
melodies of our hearts?
Why is silence
when the wind
for no one
no names but
those we keep
secret and close
to our heart of hearts?
How could it be more tender
in any other way?
Why would I want
a pain loved so truly
shared in any other way?
i spoke the words
i knew would cut deep
and though she bared her teeth
to hide the hurt
i saw her tired eyes dilate
and i knew i had wounded something
that she would lock away
and look at again
and let it harden
so that when she cut
i would not find the heart to heal
my anger spent
and regrets blurted
two clammy hands blotting her tears away
she gives away no sign of forgiving
she only mouths the words
while her eyes cloud over
i feel the edge threatening to crumble off
asking what will i do when my feet touch air?
will i reach for land or will i leap?
i feel my being breaking apart inside
asking will i give up or harden?
will i reach up or will i fall down?
i feel my heart letting go
asking will i trust it again
or will i just let it rot and bloat?
will i let it soar again or pin it to its place?
turn around now
and look at what you see
look at me
and tell me
you don’t like what you see
but don’t say that you can’t bring yourself to see
for all that you see is
whatever you have made of me.
a leaden finger presses down
unaligning the unsuspecting spine
aquatic undulations grow quiet
nerves fray and twitch
dull ache pulsates
pressing all its fatted sides against
that chronic dam of
leisurely gnaws away at me
my heart sinks lower
shrinking from being devoured
wonders resolutely away
from the hurt
that stings too raw
waiting in vain
for the Lighted hour
proffering a gesture of her single kindness
with an open heart
she gives away and taunts me still
this is all she has brought
she who has made my son smile
this is may be the happiest moment of his life
is the saddest realization of mine
i do not want them all laid in a row
when have i ever walked down such a perfect path?
they must be fingered and bit and tasted and tossed
and smashed as what all sweetness has been for me
i take one and another
and pry the very ones from his little curled fist
i take and take and relish the tears which he will cry
for the mother who could not give him the chance to smile
he cries out loud in disbelief
to have his gift wrenched away
when he has given and given and given
all that was never supposed to be taken from him
my child is too a chocolate
devoured hungrily by me
fearing that this one too like all the rest of mine
will be snatched and eaten by time and tragedy
while unsuspecting hands freely offer
sweets poisoned with false hope that last until
he again will cry for a mouthful from my empty hand