Your words reach deep inside me
Yet your coy musings
Warn me:
I’m honest you say
I’m blunt and I’m clear.
You will be hurt.
You will walk away:
But maybe limping
Maybe even crawling.
There will be piece of you
I will withhold.
It will be mine to keep.
It will be mine to reap.
The sun does not warm my heart
As much as your presence does.
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I wonder when someone truly unworthy
Can invoke such love from me
What would it be like
If you loved me as much as I loved you?
When you’re in pain
It’s hard not to think of an end
It’s hard not to think of an off
But to do so is human
Yet seeing it through is not a really a fair choice
So much fear, so much doubt, so much so to think of just getting an out..
If it were… though… how many of us would stay the course?
How many of us stay to see a little more with a little less each time?
You steep yourself in joy
The moments warmly melt together
Until your smile clicks into automode
And you realize there’s only so much of another’s joy you can handle when you are hurting inside.
Their joy gushes forth and
envelopes your willing heart
but it makes the sinkhole larger…
It makes the hole gnaw away faster
making its gaping maw even larger
you helplessly taste the bitter tinge of woe mix with the sweetness of the time
Your conscience flails in the viscose goo of regret…
And you steel yourself against the tears that prick you with insistence
Because it horrifies you that
you could ever besmirch their rightful joy.
A shared birthday:
She walks into his embrace, gazing into his eyes. She can’t help but glow.
He sings “Happy Birthday” softly to her.
He asks “Do you want a cake?”
She looks at him: “Hmmm…I want something sweeter…”
They come out of their room,
Happily spent.
She takes out a box of indian sweets
All his favorites she hopes…
She presses the candle softly into a gulab jamun in the middle.
“Let’s celebrate both our birthdays!” he enthuses.
He pulls her into his lap, she puts her arms around him,
They sing to each other in boxers and lingerie.
she sings softly, her lips lightly grazing the side of his head with every word. They kiss before they blow out the candle together.
“What did you wish for?”
“You’re my wish come true” she says laughing gaily.
I wish we could do this ever year…
A much later birthday (hers):
They stand over the stove
Looking at a cake slice in a box.
“Why don’t we sit down?”
“Nah, let’s have the cake?”
He gets forks.
“Aren’t you going to sing for me, it is my birthday..?”
“Really?…uh yeah ok…”
“Happybirthdaytoyou. Happybirthdaytoyoudear…”
He sticks his fork into the cake slice and shoves it in his mouth. He goes for a second, intent on the cake.
“It’s good!”
She stands there looking at him.
She swallows her disappointment… She wishes it wouldn’t feel so intense each time she has to do it….
You would think by now i would know better.
The cake tastes pasty in her mouth.
I waited
Until your reasons sounded like excuses
I waited
With new hope for us and our lives
I waited
For you to cross your hurdles until they became the ones you created
I waited
Unwaveringly suffering from how i was the one impeding us
I waited
Wholeheartedly defending you, protecting you from all my concerns
I waited
Enclosing myself in anxiety, hiding away from reality, my instincts, my gut all screaming something’s wrong
I waited
Never letting anyone in so they wouldn’t know what we were going through because i thought you were fragile
I waited through it all
And got nothing in return
I waited until
I felt like the world was against us
But then admitted to myself
That it was only you against us.
And now I’m here.
Full of regret for being
so blind,
so insecure,
so naive,
so believing,
so in denial,
But a tiny part of me is still waiting
For you to want to prove I’m wrong
So how f***ed is that?
I feel like i lost what i used to be…
My easy optimism
finding joy in all things
The sunrise, the clouds, the flowers, the warmth, the music
Sharing a smile with a passer-by
Seeing the love within a couple, a family, that indelible joy of a child
That golden warm feeling of gratefulness
Being happy because it’s so necessary
And now….
I feel like i lost what i used to be…
Breathlessly he says
It sounds as good as it does to reply… Fit to burst… gushing, gaping.
He says… slurred with desire.
Melt and succumb, crumble and relent.
And those dreams form, built precariously high, brightly imbued with deceitful potential.
Is that all he ever does
Just says he will, he can’t, he would?
I peer at her
Peer through her
The glassy eyes stare back at me…
Is that all it takes…just words?
I stare back at her
“What’s it to you?”
I ask.
She stares back
And mouths the words back.
Why is solace so
singularly sad
yet uplifting
in its hushed solitude?
is it not then
we hear the lilting
melodies of our hearts?
Why is silence
sought out
when the wind
hushes
for no one
and whispers
no names but
those we keep
secret and close
to our heart of hearts?
How could it be more tender
in any other way?
Why would I want
a pain loved so truly
by solemness
shared in any other way?
i spoke the words
i knew would cut deep
and though she bared her teeth
to hide the hurt
i saw her tired eyes dilate
and i knew i had wounded something
that she would lock away
and look at again
and let it harden
herself somehow
so that when she cut
i would not find the heart to heal
my anger spent
and regrets blurted
two clammy hands blotting her tears away
she gives away no sign of forgiving
she only mouths the words
while her eyes cloud over
intotheindigo 