How am i stronger?

How am i strong

When I’m still submitting to weaknesses?

Brushing away the nagging feeling

That things are not alright

That they can be better

But it’s in my hands.

How am I stronger

When I still am not able

To make the right

And cut my losses

To shape my life

The way it should be?

The way i so want it to be…

Untitled i

You steep yourself in joy

The moments warmly melt together

Until your smile clicks into automode

And you realize there’s only so much of another’s joy you can handle when you are hurting inside.

Their joy gushes forth and

envelopes your willing heart

but it makes the sinkhole larger…

It makes the hole gnaw away faster

making its gaping maw even larger

you helplessly taste the bitter tinge of woe mix with the sweetness of the time

Your conscience flails in the viscose goo of regret…

And you steel yourself against the tears that prick you with insistence

Because it horrifies you that

you could ever besmirch their rightful joy.

Don’t wait

I waited

Until your reasons sounded like excuses

I waited

With new hope for us and our lives

I waited

For you to cross your hurdles until they became the ones you created

I waited

Unwaveringly suffering from how i was the one impeding us

I waited

Wholeheartedly defending you, protecting you from all my concerns

I waited

Enclosing myself in anxiety, hiding away from reality, my instincts, my gut all screaming something’s wrong

I waited

Never letting anyone in so they wouldn’t know what we were going through because i thought you were fragile

I waited through it all

And got nothing in return

I waited until

I felt like the world was against us

But then admitted to myself

That it was only you against us.

And now I’m here.

Full of regret for being

so blind,

so insecure,

so naive,

so believing,

so in denial,

But a tiny part of me is still waiting

For you to want to prove I’m wrong

So how f***ed is that?

Is that all?

Breathlessly he says

“I love you
your first and true love…”

It sounds as good as it does to reply… Fit to burst… gushing, gaping.

“I miss you”

He says… slurred with desire.

“You’re only mine
Only ever mine…
Mine and mine alone.”

Melt and succumb, crumble and relent.

“A life together, I’ll say : it’s all mom’s doing I’m just your poor Dad, with you through everything…”

And those dreams form, built precariously high, brightly imbued with deceitful potential.

“How could you? I love you. Remember???”

Is that all he ever does

Just says he will, he can’t, he would?

I peer at her

Peer through her

The glassy eyes stare back at me…

Is that all it takes…just words?

I stare back at her

“What’s it to you?”

I ask.

She stares back

And mouths the words back.