I always think
I miss the hugs
I miss the closeness
The kisses
The lazy slow caresses
The clumsy intertwinings
But
I don’t miss it enough
To let you anywhere near me ever again.
If anything… You have convinced me through all your myriad of miserable ways
That I may have no one ever again
But I’ll be damned if I settle for you or worse.
The sun does not warm my heart
As much as your presence does.
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I wonder when someone truly unworthy
Can invoke such love from me
What would it be like
If you loved me as much as I loved you?
Society says I only have so much time
Biology sagely agrees
But Life
And Will
And Experience
They keep asking me to wait
For better.
And I?
I seesaw between hope and despair
I venture and retreat
I try and falter
And still try
I will do what i can
Until i can’t no more.
is it easier or harder
to want what everyone else wants?
what we are smiled upon for wanting?
what we are supported and celebrated for wanting?
or is it harder to want what no one else thinks you should want?
what you will be lectured about, advised about, discouraged and guilted about?
is it easier to try your best to conform and worry how you fall short?
Or is it easier to strike your own path and bear the cold shoulders and disapproving glares?
this whispers, the dead silences, the piteous, the nervous and ingenuine smiles?
when does it become easier to do your thing?
when does it become easier to do what you want?
when does it become easier to achieve what seems to come so easy to others?
when does it become enough?
when does it become easier?
i sought prayer
and found relief
from the testing
that i unbeknownst
was asking for
the more i prayed
away my tears
the more i uttered heartfully
the more i found reason
to utter still more beseechingly
for the mercy that had not reached its time to be received
pendulum
to and fro
to and fro
along with the
beats of a heart
in throes
of wandering woe
pendulum
to and fro
to and fro
tapping along
a life’s time that
ticks by me
before my very eyes
pendulum
to and fro
to and fro
stopping quite still
to only mock with
with your dullish gold face
smirking away at my
misty-headed misery
The look of disgust
dripped from your eyes
but i was trapped
and he was lost
my breath caught
my gasp too soon swallowed
shame shot through my senses
but i was held in place
and he stayed lost
locked
in and out
i was like a scattered genius
wisdom overflowing
intellect profusely glowing
curtailed by my own fury
ever distant from knowing glory
savant than all compare but
the moments were scarce/rare
when they came
they came hard
to rival the sages
to rival the bards
yet all the sacred while
i remained:
entranced/entrapped…immobile.
when we cannot have
what we want
our desires
become
more mercurious
the mediocre
becomes
more miraculous
the impossible
becomes
more spurious
the winner
becomes
more victorious
it is what colours
our reality
with yen
displaces us
from zen
it is why
we keep
waiting
for
when…
intotheindigo 