even as you say the truth
each word gentled,
so as not to hurt what already is tender…
each statement wreathed with “That’s the way it is”
each phrase piqued in soft question
“Of do you understand? This is how it must be…”
each emotion huskily swallowed
and gently urging assent…
I let Silence do my talking.
2012
How do i love/trust without prejudice?
My experiences have taught me
To become tough, decisive, flinty
Cynical is my new prescription
Because the soft keep on giving
The soft are easier to keep hurting
The soft keep giving and making do
The soft get stepped on
Kicked to the side and stepped over.
The sun does not warm my heart
As much as your presence does.
########################################
I wonder when someone truly unworthy
Can invoke such love from me
What would it be like
If you loved me as much as I loved you?
A shared birthday:
She walks into his embrace, gazing into his eyes. She can’t help but glow.
He sings “Happy Birthday” softly to her.
He asks “Do you want a cake?”
She looks at him: “Hmmm…I want something sweeter…”
They come out of their room,
Happily spent.
She takes out a box of indian sweets
All his favorites she hopes…
She presses the candle softly into a gulab jamun in the middle.
“Let’s celebrate both our birthdays!” he enthuses.
He pulls her into his lap, she puts her arms around him,
They sing to each other in boxers and lingerie.
she sings softly, her lips lightly grazing the side of his head with every word. They kiss before they blow out the candle together.
“What did you wish for?”
“You’re my wish come true” she says laughing gaily.
I wish we could do this ever year…
A much later birthday (hers):
They stand over the stove
Looking at a cake slice in a box.
“Why don’t we sit down?”
“Nah, let’s have the cake?”
He gets forks.
“Aren’t you going to sing for me, it is my birthday..?”
“Really?…uh yeah ok…”
“Happybirthdaytoyou. Happybirthdaytoyoudear…”
He sticks his fork into the cake slice and shoves it in his mouth. He goes for a second, intent on the cake.
“It’s good!”
She stands there looking at him.
She swallows her disappointment… She wishes it wouldn’t feel so intense each time she has to do it….
You would think by now i would know better.
The cake tastes pasty in her mouth.
I feel like i lost what i used to be…
My easy optimism
finding joy in all things
The sunrise, the clouds, the flowers, the warmth, the music
Sharing a smile with a passer-by
Seeing the love within a couple, a family, that indelible joy of a child
That golden warm feeling of gratefulness
Being happy because it’s so necessary
And now….
I feel like i lost what i used to be…
Breathlessly he says
It sounds as good as it does to reply… Fit to burst… gushing, gaping.
He says… slurred with desire.
Melt and succumb, crumble and relent.
And those dreams form, built precariously high, brightly imbued with deceitful potential.
Is that all he ever does
Just says he will, he can’t, he would?
I peer at her
Peer through her
The glassy eyes stare back at me…
Is that all it takes…just words?
I stare back at her
“What’s it to you?”
I ask.
She stares back
And mouths the words back.
i spoke the words
i knew would cut deep
and though she bared her teeth
to hide the hurt
i saw her tired eyes dilate
and i knew i had wounded something
that she would lock away
and look at again
and let it harden
herself somehow
so that when she cut
i would not find the heart to heal
my anger spent
and regrets blurted
two clammy hands blotting her tears away
she gives away no sign of forgiving
she only mouths the words
while her eyes cloud over
turn around now
and look at what you see
look at me
and tell me
you don’t like what you see
but don’t say that you can’t bring yourself to see
for all that you see is
whatever you have made of me.
a realization
leisurely gnaws away at me
my heart sinks lower
shrinking from being devoured
my mind
wonders resolutely away
from the hurt
that stings too raw
my soul
cowers
waiting in vain
for the Lighted hour
No other reason
then from the goodness of your heart
you act without needing to
and that is all that matters.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I hate to love you:
I am always yours,
I nor you are ever mine,
but as yours, as yours…as your only own…
I yearn…
for ours.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
my lips are bruised
from too many bitten back words
the tears only make them burn.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
you say you shouldn’t say
but you say it anyways
what height do you achieve
in bringing down what you held so high
trodding on what you notice
yet don’t.
intotheindigo 