Keepsake Heart

Can you not reveal your heart to me?

Must I delve in there myself?

I wish I could tell you…
I’m set to run,

I’ll cut off and run,

And not look back.

I’ll look obsessively over my backup plans

I always have.

I’ll recite the pros and cons,

Have a proactive case of sour grapes,

I don’t know any other way…

To keep my heart

from being taken

Only to have it handed back

Emptier than it was before.

Pain

When you’re in pain

It’s hard not to think of an end

It’s hard not to think of an off

But to do so is human

Yet seeing it through is not a really a fair choice

So much fear, so much doubt, so much so to think of just getting an out..

If it were… though… how many of us would stay the course?

How many of us stay to see a little more with a little less each time?

Petits XVIII

What if we do not sleep after all at the end? What if we stay aware in a conscious void? This keeps me up at night.

**************************************

The writing stopped

Because it revealed

The truth too plainly

But fate has reminded me today

I knew what i wrote

I knew and i chose to forget.

**************************************

I envy your enthusiasm

A matter of time

You say

I nod

Believing

Maybe for all others.

Juxtaposition

I – at the table to the left

She watches him with mock puppy eyes as he eats, he looks at her with a knowing look… “You want some…eh?”

She half nods/half shrugs. Her eyes glint with coy mischief.

He sighs…the sweet burden of silly annoyances… He cups the rice and mixes it up in all the different curries and feeds her a mouthful. Smiling at her silly game…her unbridled joy…

II – just across the room

The Bride looks intently at her food. So interested in its colors, its textures, how it gleams, how much can be scooped up daintly on a spoon. How much can go in her mouth without smudging the fade proof lipstick.
She smiles plastic to herself.

The groom’s face is stormy and petulant. He sits turned away from her. Rigid. Unrelenting. His heaping plate awaits beside hers.

The photographer looks from bride to groom…groom to bride… He rubs his hair in fustration.

The second photog and videographer exchange brooding glances. Their eyebrows shoot up in sync…their mouths sardonic yet grim.

The photographer, chuckles hard… His voice strained/pitched:

“Heh, ha, ha… Ok…Let’s go now… Come on then” he prods.

He lets out an angry sigh into his shoulder pressing his face hard against his camera strap.

I need the damn shot of them feeding each other… They’ll ask for it later like it’s all my fault for not getting it.

Is that all?

Breathlessly he says

“I love you
your first and true love…”

It sounds as good as it does to reply… Fit to burst… gushing, gaping.

“I miss you”

He says… slurred with desire.

“You’re only mine
Only ever mine…
Mine and mine alone.”

Melt and succumb, crumble and relent.

“A life together, I’ll say : it’s all mom’s doing I’m just your poor Dad, with you through everything…”

And those dreams form, built precariously high, brightly imbued with deceitful potential.

“How could you? I love you. Remember???”

Is that all he ever does

Just says he will, he can’t, he would?

I peer at her

Peer through her

The glassy eyes stare back at me…

Is that all it takes…just words?

I stare back at her

“What’s it to you?”

I ask.

She stares back

And mouths the words back.

Truth once told me

Truth once told me
that Uncertainty
will one day kill me.

So off I set to find Un-C
yet upon meeting him
I could only blame Stress.

Stress addled and full of bile
haughtily stalked towards me
and after a few choice words
told me to go accuse Denial.

Denial of course was always near
I tried as much as I could to look him in the eye
but behind Denial stood Fear. 

knowing

i cannot see past this misery

it catches me unaware

i avert my eyes from happiness

it is a but a cruel reminder

of all that i cautiously….yet…willingly….hoped would be

and though i’ve always prepared for failure

i feel winded even before the blow

i feel hollow even before i know

of what i fear i already know is true

i cannot begin to imagine

what this will do to me

dead and dying

young and old

dead and dying

when did we believe we were invincible?

when did we grasp immortality?

when was it ever judged fair to lose a life

where are the ones that never returned?

why do memories fuzz and fade?

why do we forget what will always remain true?

young and old

newly born and aged beyond

dead and dying

dying and dead

and yet

there are

the ones who are dying to be dead