there dallies a small inkling:
the power to change or withhold
the chance to fold or grow old
and never know…
although something inside
echoes
that Regret will not crow proudly
and Instinct will
remain the
truest guide.
2012
there dallies a small inkling:
the power to change or withhold
the chance to fold or grow old
and never know…
although something inside
echoes
that Regret will not crow proudly
and Instinct will
remain the
truest guide.
2012
Can you not reveal your heart to me?
Must I delve in there myself?
I wish I could tell you…
I’m set to run,
I’ll cut off and run,
And not look back.
I’ll look obsessively over my backup plans
I always have.
I’ll recite the pros and cons,
Have a proactive case of sour grapes,
I don’t know any other way…
To keep my heart
from being taken
Only to have it handed back
Emptier than it was before.
When you’re in pain
It’s hard not to think of an end
It’s hard not to think of an off
But to do so is human
Yet seeing it through is not a really a fair choice
So much fear, so much doubt, so much so to think of just getting an out..
If it were… though… how many of us would stay the course?
How many of us stay to see a little more with a little less each time?
I think of what should have been
Instead of what it is now
And realize what should have been
Never would have happened
anyways.
My path meandered and now it
finally moves forward,
With a map that no longer has false
markings.
I guess I’ll
draw them in as they appear…
What if we do not sleep after all at the end? What if we stay aware in a conscious void? This keeps me up at night.
**************************************
The writing stopped
Because it revealed
The truth too plainly
But fate has reminded me today
I knew what i wrote
I knew and i chose to forget.
**************************************
I envy your enthusiasm
A matter of time
You say
I nod
Believing
Maybe for all others.
I – at the table to the left
She watches him with mock puppy eyes as he eats, he looks at her with a knowing look… “You want some…eh?”
She half nods/half shrugs. Her eyes glint with coy mischief.
He sighs…the sweet burden of silly annoyances… He cups the rice and mixes it up in all the different curries and feeds her a mouthful. Smiling at her silly game…her unbridled joy…
II – just across the room
The Bride looks intently at her food. So interested in its colors, its textures, how it gleams, how much can be scooped up daintly on a spoon. How much can go in her mouth without smudging the fade proof lipstick.
She smiles plastic to herself.
The groom’s face is stormy and petulant. He sits turned away from her. Rigid. Unrelenting. His heaping plate awaits beside hers.
The photographer looks from bride to groom…groom to bride… He rubs his hair in fustration.
The second photog and videographer exchange brooding glances. Their eyebrows shoot up in sync…their mouths sardonic yet grim.
The photographer, chuckles hard… His voice strained/pitched:
“Heh, ha, ha… Ok…Let’s go now… Come on then” he prods.
He lets out an angry sigh into his shoulder pressing his face hard against his camera strap.
I need the damn shot of them feeding each other… They’ll ask for it later like it’s all my fault for not getting it.
Breathlessly he says
It sounds as good as it does to reply… Fit to burst… gushing, gaping.
He says… slurred with desire.
Melt and succumb, crumble and relent.
And those dreams form, built precariously high, brightly imbued with deceitful potential.
Is that all he ever does
Just says he will, he can’t, he would?
I peer at her
Peer through her
The glassy eyes stare back at me…
Is that all it takes…just words?
I stare back at her
“What’s it to you?”
I ask.
She stares back
And mouths the words back.
Truth once told me
that Uncertainty
will one day kill me.
So off I set to find Un-C
yet upon meeting him
I could only blame Stress.
Stress addled and full of bile
haughtily stalked towards me
and after a few choice words
told me to go accuse Denial.
Denial of course was always near
I tried as much as I could to look him in the eye
but behind Denial stood Fear.
i cannot see past this misery
it catches me unaware
i avert my eyes from happiness
it is a but a cruel reminder
of all that i cautiously….yet…willingly….hoped would be
and though i’ve always prepared for failure
i feel winded even before the blow
i feel hollow even before i know
of what i fear i already know is true
i cannot begin to imagine
what this will do to me
young and old
dead and dying
when did we believe we were invincible?
when did we grasp immortality?
when was it ever judged fair to lose a life
where are the ones that never returned?
why do memories fuzz and fade?
why do we forget what will always remain true?
young and old
newly born and aged beyond
dead and dying
dying and dead
and yet
there are
the ones who are dying to be dead